What should I do about this stupid wedding?

my fiance and i can't afford a wedding, nor a honeymoon and his parents said they will pay for half if we all just go down to the bahamas and get married and spend a week there. his parents, my parents, siblings and us. sounds like a great idea? of course. except that my parents are saying no way! they want there to be a big to do for this wedding in our hometown but they can't afford to do that and neither can we!! my mom already has told me that her friends are going to donate the photographer, food, decorations, and flowers and to me, that just sounds horrible!! i'm too embarrassed to do that and my fiance has already said he will not show up if we do that. i've never been out of the country and this just sounds likea wonderful idea to me but with my parents guilt tripping me about this i don't know what to do. my fiance and i really really just want to have a private ceremony anywhere we go so why not on a tropical island? i really don't know what to do. i'm stuck! i need help!

What should I do about this stupid wedding?
Wow this sounds just like my first wedding, except it was my future mother in law that was being such a problem. We ended up getting married in Jamaica at a resort. My immediate family, best friend, his dad and step-mom were there. It was not near as expensive as having a big blowout hometown wedding. However, after the fact, I really regretted not getting married in my hometown. My friends and extended family did not get to see me get married. His mother also missed out, since she refused to get on an airplane. Don't get me wrong, our day was perfect without his mother's interference, but I always felt like we didn't do it the right way.





I would have a talk with your fiance and see if you two can come up with a middle ground. Once you do this, go talk to your parents and his parents. Remind everyone that this is your day and you want things to be as close to perfect as possible. Also, do some research on what the costs would be to get married in your hometown compared to a tropical island. The biggest cost for the tropical island is getting people down there for the ceremony and finding a place for everyone to stay. Lots of resorts have wedding packages, which are surprisingly reasonable and very romantic. Really in the end it should be up to you and your fiance what is decided. I hope this helps....good luck and best wishes!
Reply:You're not stuck. You're just upset.





This won't be pretty - but here's a way to deal with things.





Call a nearby inn or B%26amp;B. Arrange for 3 guest rooms and the ceremony to be held there on ____ date.





Invite both sets of parents to dinner at your house.





After dinner, stand up and say "Joe and I have something to say to all of you."





Tell your parents that you will not under any circumstances be married with a big, grand to-do and that there will be absolutely NO if's and's or but's about it. You will NOT be paraded about as some kind of "object" being shown off and the whole idea is repgunant to you both.





Tell your fiance's family how honored you are that they are willinig to help you with a lovely Bahama's vacation but since there is opposition on the parts of others, you have to respectfully decline - and suggest that a Bahama's vacation might be in the works for your first anniversary.





Then, announce your "compromise" plans: That you two will host a small, intimate wedding ceremony and dinner at a nearby inn or B%26amp;B - the cost is reasonable and you two can handle all of the plans yourself with no help from either set of parents.





This avoids looking like you're choosing sides.





The date is _____ and that is final.





Only these 4 guests are invited: Your mother and father - His mother and father. No one else. No friends, no relatives, no big to-do's. No argument.





There will be shock and horror on everyone's part -but you two stand your ground





Of course, this is only one way to handle things while still having your parents there - otherwise I would elope and announce over dinner that you two are already married and no further ceremony or pageantry is needed, thank you.
Reply:Elope and spare everyone's feelings. It's not about the wedding, it's more about the marriage. If it's all about the wedding, then you are getting married for all the wrong reasons.
Reply:Do what makes you and your fiance happy. You only get one wedding day, do you want to be bullied into having it someone elses way?


Forget what people think and say. Even if they are offended to begin with they are family and will love you no matter what.
Reply:I think it's up to you and your FI
Reply:If your parents can't afford to give you the wedding they want, then they can't expect you to do it. Tell them it would be humiliating to take donations from their friends. Tell them they are welcome to come to the Bahamas to your wedding. You need to do what YOU want, they will get over it.


Or, you could wait to get married until you and your fiance can afford it %26amp; do it the way YOU want to then.


I got married in St Thomas, US Virgin Islands mid-way through a Caribbean cruise. It was great! It was just the 2 of us. My dad was a bit pissed about the idea but he got over it. Then a few years later he did the same thing %26amp; got married on a cruise.


It really bugs me how so many people get so stressed about their weddings, trying to please everyone else (impossible to do) but themselves. This is YOUR day (you %26amp; your husband to be) so do what YOU want.


Congrats %26amp; enjoy!
Reply:My girlfriend had half of her things donated. Instead of calling it "donated" call it a "gift". Someone gave you your photography as a gift. It is your wedding gift that they are giving you. Take it and be thankful, cause girl, this stuff is way expensive.





Can you appease both parents and do both??





Also, maybe your parents, should talk with his parents to find some middle ground
Reply:i say you know what. screw it to what the parents want you to do.. and go off and get married without either side there. have a quiet ceremony in hawaii, vegas, tennesse, new york. If its stressing you out that much.. Then tell your folks (both sides), you all are stressing us out.. and were going away to get married without any involvement. Good luck.
Reply:well first things first this is your wedding not your parents not your fiance's parents his and yours, ask yourself what do u want (and it's obvious what you want), you need to explain that to your parents tell them that it's really not fair to you to make any demmands on an occasion that is supposed to be about what will make you happy. usually planning a wedding is tough and stressful but it should not go this far and most important speak to you fiance tell him how you fell what all this is doing to you call a family meeting and both of you address it ...hope everyhting works out all the happiness to both of you
Reply:go out of town fo rthe wedding and have a reception party with all the donated services that will satisfy your parents and their friends
Reply:Honey it is time to stand up and be a woman. You are about to marry so you had better learn how to stand up for youself. Now your parents are being unreasonable. That is the most embarassing thing I have heard in a while. What are they thinking.





What your future inlaws propose is a wondreful idea. I have been to the Bahamas and it is the closest thing to Paradise on this planet. You want to go, and your fiance refused to attend the "beg and borrow" wedding your parents plan, Your choice seems clear to me. Go and get married in Paradise.





Do not allow your parents to guilt trip you. They are using that to manipulate you, to break you down so that you will cave and do what they so selfishly want. If they could afford the big plans they have it might be different but the choice would still be yours.


Turn the tables. They use guilt, you use guilt. Tell them that they are ruining your special time and that you want to go to the bahamas. You invite them to come and that is that. They will do what they will do. Guilt, lay it on them for trying to take over your wedding and imposing a mess on yu when they should be happy for you and pleased that you have an opportunity like this offered to you.





What they do is up to them and is not dependent on what you do. They need to realize that this is not about them. IF they will miss the wedding, that is their choice and waaay too bad, but if you stick to your guns I bet they change their minds.





Bottom line is who are you going to live your life for, your parents or for your husband and yourself. It really is that simple.
Reply:don;t listen to his family; it will be your downfall
Reply:Your parents intentions are from the heart, but you need to have a hear to heart with them. Express your wants and desires, as well as your concerns. Remind them this is YOUR day.


Possibly "tell them" down the road, on a anniversary, when you are more financially stable you will renew your vows in front of friends and family, and have the big celebration then.


Do you guys own your own home yet? If not tell them you rather save up for a home of your own rather than dump all this money on a one day party. This will show your parents responsibility.


If they cant honor your wishes it will be sad, but this is your day, and thats bottom line.
Reply:It is your day, do what you want. Maybe you can go to the bahamas and get married and then when you get back you can have a party with everyone else.
Reply:Its really just up to what you want. I had sort of the same delimma we couldnt afford the big wedding that we really wanted and didnt want to have to take donations from everyone because we would feel really bad and embarassed about that so we thought about going on a cruise with close family and friends and doing it that way. The only downfall was that there were people we really wanted there that wouldnt have been able to go. grandparents that are not in the health condition to be traveling and there were conflicts with everyone being able to get off work and fit it in their schedule. Its hard but if you can manage then tell your family that its really what YOU want and go for it!! If you tell them that its what YOU REALLY want, then they have no right to say no. i think its an awesome idea!!
Reply:Sweetie, it is YOUR wedding, not your parent's. They already got married. Now, it is your turn to do it the way YOU want. If a private ceremony is what you want, do it.
Reply:Your Fiance would snob his own wedding?


Your calling your own wedding 'Stupid'?


Sorry.....but you both need to re-evaluate what a wedding is, and whether you are both happy enough to commit to spending the rest of your lives together!
Reply:It's YOUR marriage, YOUR wedding... do what feels right to you both.





I have a suggestion.. Get married in the Bahamas as you would like THEN when you return let your parents and their friends throw that reception for you..your parents are, happy , his parents are happy and you two don't have to "swallow your pride"..You get the best of both worlds !
Reply:Sounds like a power struggle to me. You and your groom decide, and that's it.
Reply:Here's your first chance to recognize that, from your marriage on, your "family" is you and your husband, not your parents. How and where you decide to have your wedding should be between you and your husband. The fact that your parents disagree with what your fiance wants should have NO bearing on the situation whatsoever.
Reply:I'm not trying to be rude, or a total downer here, but if you cannot afford a wedding or honeymoon - are you really prepared to get married? Could you afford to live together?
Reply:Just tell your parents that it is your wedding not theirs. They already had their wedding it is now your turn I would tell them that you are going to share this day the way that you and your fiance choose to. If they choose to come that they our more than welcome if not than they will be the ones that loose out
Reply:You need to simply tell your parents that you really like the idea of the bahamas, and that it's what you two want as a couple that counts, not what everyone else thinks. Of course tell them in a gentle way, but stick to your decision and be happy about it, who wouldn't want to run off to the bahamas and get married?
Reply:do what you want...it's your wedding not your parent's...what a great idea...
Reply:Perfect example of the expression of "Monster in Laws"
Reply:sounds like you need to take a private trip that no one else knows about...


My Fi an I are paying for everything.People have suggested things but that is as far as i let them go with it. My mom keeps trying to get me to do stuff that cost more money, and my response (in a nice voice) is always "who is paying for this again??" And she gets the hint.





best of luck to you in whatever you choose. But whatever you choose make it about you and your FI no one else..
Reply:COmpromise. Go get married in the bahamas and when you return have a reception for with tht e rest of the family. You can make a great reception for not a lot of money. Have a big barbecue. Have a pot luck. Graciously accept the gifts your moms friends want to give you to help out. Your only other choise (besides dissapointing either yourself or your parents) is to wait until you have enough money to have the wedding YOU want to have. (which is why my fiance and I delayed our wedding for another year). Good luck.
Reply:This really is a tough situation to be in. Of course your wedding should be the day of your dreams. After all, it is "your" day. But there is no doubt that your mother has had her own dreams of this day since the day you were born. Maybe you can compromise by having a reception after you come home from the Bahamas. Let your mom organize it. Don't worry about her friends chipping in. They wouldn't do it if they didn't want to. Hey, this is tradition in the Mexican culture.





Be sure to be sensitive towards your mother's feelings. My little girl is still only 4 yrs old, but I find myself dreaming often of her wedding day. I can't imagine how I would feel if 20-25 yrs from now she wants to fly off to an island to get married. Of course we all want what our childrens' hearts desire, but sometime our selfishness can hurt our feelings.
Reply:It sounds like both sets of parents are manipulative in one way or another, so you need to do what will make you happy. It seems as if both you and your fiance truly want to get married on a tropical island. I was married on the island of Kauai and the pictures are georgeous. You won't get pics like that from someone's backyard or the type of wedding your mom wants you to have. On the other hand, can you afford paying the other half of the tropical wedding? If you find that you can afford it, you should consider making sure that at least one or two couples are present with you. If you don't have someone there to celebrate the occassion with you, it will feel empty. This is why all of those people who get civil service weddings want to have a large celebration later---because the ceremony lasts for 2 minutes, then it's over with no celebration and (usually the girl) feels cheated out of a celebration. Ask your mom if she would be willing to have the party for you after the fact when you come home. That way you can have both the tropical wedding and the celebration.